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daves

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About daves

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    daves
  • Birthday 02/12/2008
  1. THANK GOODNESS FOR ITALIANS ............... A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics" The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ." And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
  2. Marriage Guidance Counselling (Only for the Very Brave) A couple had been married for 5 years and their relationship was deteriorating. They were still very fond of each other so decided to seek marriage guidance counselling. The counsellor talked to them and listened to them both as a couple and individually. The counsellor then delivered his judgement. "Even after 5 years of marriage you two really don't know very much about each other." "Tell me," he said to the husband, "What is your wife's favourite flower?" The husband thought for a moment and scratched his head. "Self-raising, I think"
  3. "Grandma, can you make a noise like a frog?" "Yes I think so, dear. Why do you ask?" "Well Daddy says we're going to Disneyland when you croak."
  4. Ally, It was 4 fathoms, don't exaggerate Rgds Dave
  5. Was playing golf the other day with a mate. While we were putting out at the 2nd green, a funeral cortege passed by on the other side of the fence. My mate stood to attention, took off his cap and bowed his head. "That's the best thing I've ever seen you do, showing such respect to the departed," I said. "Well it was the least I could do, I was married to her for thirty years!"
  6. Always walk a mile in another man's shoes. That way when he finds his shoes missing, you'll be at least a mile away.
  7. Man goes to the Doctor's. "You've got high blood pressure," says the doctor. "I'd like a second opinion." says the man. "You're ugly too!"
  8. Mike, Have you read "Solomon's Builders" by Christopher Hodapp? He debunks many of the myths surrounding the layout of Washington DC - for example the White House and Capitol buildings were built where they are because they were the highest plots in the area. Bro Hodapp, however, does make a plausible case for an influence of Freemasonry on the US Constitution. A good read for Christmas. S&F Dave
  9. I was having a wonderful round of golf when one of my golfing buddies asked me if I'd ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife. "No," I replied. "Neither has he!" Couldn't hit the ball or putt straight after that.
  10. Just for Tom. An American boards an intercity train in London to travel up to Scotland. The train is very full and he wanders up and down the tain looking for a seat. Eventually he finds a seat next to an old lady occupied by a miniature poodle. "Ma'am," says the American, "There are no spare seats on this train, would you please move your dog." "Certainly not, young man. I've paid for this seat so that my little Fifi can travel in comfort. You'll just have to stand." "Ma'am, I really must insist. You'll have to put the dog on your lap. I need to sit down." "Young man, I've told you. My Fifi is not moving from her seat. You'll just have to stand." The American has had enough. He picks up Fifi, opens a window and throws the dog out of the train. At this point an elderly gentleman puts down his copy of the Times, and says, "That's the trouble with you Americans: you drive on the wrong side of the road, hold your fork in the wrong hand, can't pronounce Aluminium; and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the train."
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