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allybeggs

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About allybeggs

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    allybeggs
  • Birthday 03/12/2008
  1. David Beckham gets home early to find Posh naked, sweaty and flustered. "Quick Dave, i'm having a heart attack!" She cries! As Becks picks up the phone, Brooklyn runs in crying. "Daddy, Daddy, John Terry is in the wardrobe naked!" Becks throws open the wardrobe door and sure enough there is JT naked as the day he was born. Becks screams "are you some kind of d**k, Vicky's having a heart attack and all you can do is run around naked scaring the kids!" :w00t:
  2. I've just been asked to donate my old clothes to some charity who look after starving people. Anyone wanting my castoffs can't be that hungry. It's got to be a con
  3. Capello phoned Wayne Bridge the other night and told him John Terry has lost the Captains Armband, he says, "do me a favour, look under your bed"!
  4. Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. As she takes his order of a pint of Tetley Bitter, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place, although she is attracted to him, she says no. He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Tetley's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200. She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Tetley's but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire. 'Leeds ' he tells her. 'So am I', what suburb?' She enquires. 'Headingley' he replies. 'That's amazing' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' 'Boycott Street ' he replies 'That is unbelievable.......' She says, her voice quivering. 'What number?' 'Number 20' he replies She is totally astonished . 'You are not going to believe this she screams, but I'm from number 22, my parents still live there.' 'I know..' he says, 'Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you.' HE WHO DRINKS YORKSHIRE, THINKS YORKSHIRE
  5. The Dead Cow and Vet School First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
  6. The old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a pretty young woman sat down next to him.. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cattle, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping their coffee in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' The old man replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
  7. For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally..... 'Circumcised' (this is priceless!) A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school. :D:D:D:cool:
  8. I've just won a holiday to Mexico, I can't go, i'm Pig Sick!
  9. Terry, A few repeats there matey! Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' --------------------------------------------------------- A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother because I still have mine.' --------------------------------------------------------- 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' --------------------------------------------------------- A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and is really good with the kids.' ----------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. ---------------------------------------------------------- A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from? San Francisco? to? New York City? ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.. ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gomez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' ----------------------------------------------------------- Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' ---------------------------------------------------------- A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' ------------------------------------------------------------ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. ........................................................................ The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive A clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
  10. THE WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
  11. To Maintain a Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. ! 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write 'For Marijuana' 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9. Sing Along At The Opera. 10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
  12. An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure? The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."
  13. A farmer named Seamus had a road traffic accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?' Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now what the f**k would you have said?
  14. Not sure if this has been on before, I have seen it once but don't think it was here, apologies if it was here! One for Bro Mark Adams. Glesga mortuary A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says. 'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!' she says. 'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So, I just switched their heids.' :w00t:
  15. A German guy approaches a lady of the night. 'I vish to buy sex viz you.' 'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.' '..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.' 'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.' So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. 'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.' The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees. 'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.' She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. 'You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you.' She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, 'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?' 'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique
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