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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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Little Johnny's next door neighbour is coming home with their new born son and the boy has been born without any ears.

Johnny's dad says now johnny dont you dare mention this boy has no ears, if you dare mention it you will get the smacking of your life.

So they go in to see the boy. Oh what a beautiful baby says little johnny, and he looks so healthy.

thank you little johnny says the babies mum,

And is his eye sight ok

yes little johnny the doctor says it will be 20/20 vision.

Good says little johnny cause he would be screwed if he needed glassses.

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A friend is a Nikon Shooter.

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.


The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.


'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

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A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for the holidays and paying their own way."

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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P…..

E…..

N…..

I……

S…..

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH ...

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.


"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"


"Nah, she can order for herself."

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Just for Tom.

An American boards an intercity train in London to travel up to Scotland. The train is very full and he wanders up and down the tain looking for a seat. Eventually he finds a seat next to an old lady occupied by a miniature poodle.

"Ma'am," says the American, "There are no spare seats on this train, would you please move your dog."

"Certainly not, young man. I've paid for this seat so that my little Fifi can travel in comfort. You'll just have to stand."

"Ma'am, I really must insist. You'll have to put the dog on your lap. I need to sit down."

"Young man, I've told you. My Fifi is not moving from her seat. You'll just have to stand."

The American has had enough. He picks up Fifi, opens a window and throws the dog out of the train.

At this point an elderly gentleman puts down his copy of the Times, and says, "That's the trouble with you Americans: you drive on the wrong side of the road, hold your fork in the wrong hand, can't pronounce Aluminium; and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the train."

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I was having a wonderful round of golf when one of my golfing buddies asked me if I'd ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife.

"No," I replied.

"Neither has he!"

Couldn't hit the ball or putt straight after that.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to

verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home

and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.


So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That

silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my

Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.


She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too' .

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.


My wife asked, "Do you know her?"


"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating

that long?"

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Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So, the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

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Inner peace

I am passing this on to everyone because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.


So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning:

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of famish grarsh, a bottly of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an an box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece!!

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They say that the best days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!

Joe and John were identical twins. John owned a dilapidated old boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented the boat to a group of students, who promptly sank it!

John spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could and was out of touch with everyone for all of the day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother Joe's wife died suddenly.

When he got back to shore, John went to Tescos to get a few things. A kind old woman neighbour mistook him for Joe and said "I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss. You must feel terrible."

John, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Not at all! As a matter of fact I'm glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a bloody great hole in the front. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I suppose that what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four students looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway. The bloody fools tried to get in her all at the same time and she just split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

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Man wakes up in the morning after a very heavy night out with the lads, it was that bad he can't remember getting home or into bed. As he is walking downstairs he notices the pictures are off the wall broken, in the kitchen there is a broken vase and a note from his wife. Your breakfast is in the oven see you later darling.

Just then his son comes in and he asks him what happened, he said you came home stinking drunk singing very loudly waking up the whole house, you then staggered upstairs knocking all the pictures down and stumbling into the vase on the stand which you broke. then tell me whyyour mother is being so nice to me.

Oh thats easy he says. she was getting your clothes off trying to put you to bed and you shouted get off ya slag i'm a married man.

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You need to sing the bit at the end of this joke!

A Blonde died and was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first is, which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
'The second is,
how many seconds are there in a year?'
'And the third is, 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have the answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'OK then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest the answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...


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A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?



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After leaving collage a young man started up a business for himself. He got a loan and equipped a small office in a good part of town."Appearance is everything," he told his newly hired secretary. On his first day in business he sat at his polished desk in his smart suit and waited for an idea to occur to him. Just then his sectetary com into the room and announced that there was a gentleman to see him. "Great," thought the young guy "things are moving already." Remembering his own aphorism, he picked up the phone . As the visiter was shown into his office the young man adopted a businesslike frown and shouted into the receiver, "Tell them i won't sell for less than a hundred thousand." Then he slammed the phone down in a businesslike way and smiled at the visitor. "Good morning, and what can I do for you?"he asked. "It's more what I can do for you," said the caller. "I'm here to connect your phone" :blush:

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While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Ticket ------------------ $195.00
Court Costs ------------- $45.00
Look on cops face ------- Priceless

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While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you...."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then, you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and wearing casual clothing. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.



They play a friendly game of golf; then, everyone changes into evening clothes; and then, they dine on lobster, caviar, and champagne and enjoy an evening of dancing.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now, it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then; you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now, choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now, there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says: "Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted!!"

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'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to get'r done).

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Have you heard about this case? Great answer from the judge!

In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, 'Case dismissed!'

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor,

How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,

Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and

Hanukkah...yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'

The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists.

Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'

The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture, he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!

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MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
Your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
And a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
Nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
Or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
Hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

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A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'
The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honours, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES



He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....



Soon he sees another sign which reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES



Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:





SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT





His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for

you my son?"



He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."



"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a

closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."



He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."



He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.



The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:



GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

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