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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he
and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get
a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky ,
Louisiana, Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , Florida , West
Virginia and Washington DC

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The old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a pretty young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cattle, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
d
octoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV,
I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping their coffee in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

The old man replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
'

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It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Victorian:


At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.


When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the gm of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."


The head of XXXX smiled and said, "Make mine a XXXX Gold."


To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."


And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."


The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."


The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."


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A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here.. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a week, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

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These are for Roy V, I know how much he likes them:P

BLONDES,

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT YOU? (Thank God gave us redheads as a backup....)

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house."

==========================================

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

===========================================

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

==========================================

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see
'Closed for the winter'.

==========================================

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" he asks.

"No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

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The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details," or putting it another way, "Who's ya Daddy?" These are genuine excerpts from the forms.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.


2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child, as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard, where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.


4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.



5. I have never had sex with a man...I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.


6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.


7. I do not know who the father of my child was, as they all look the same to me.


8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him; can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B, who was also borned at the same time...well, I don't have a clue.


9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.


10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV, rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave., mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all, like when you eat a can of beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.




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This is the updated version of their “Who’s on First?” skit and how it might play out today…… I do not know who the author is: but it is thought provoking.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office!

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window’s.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’

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A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
'Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'


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The Dead Cow and Vet School


First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

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THE BLONDE PAINTER

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going
to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on
the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka
and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is
okay. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she
wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to
do it, by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...,


You'll love this...,



Yep... I know you will... ,






'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'



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Subject: The zipper


A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady Cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door Is open.'


Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled.


When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,

'Your fly is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping.


At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was
that told him about his 'barracks door.'

He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the
Counter he said,

'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Soldier standing in there
at
attention?'


The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said,

'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran Sitting on a couple of
old duffel bags.



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"Grandma, can you make a noise like a frog?"



"Yes I think so, dear. Why do you ask?"



"Well Daddy says we're going to Disneyland when you croak."

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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I

want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."



The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"



"No," the cook said.. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of

headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of

crisp bacon."



"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then

spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.



The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"



I LOVE THIS ONE...........

She replied, "I thought while you were waitingfor the flat tires, headlights and running boards,

you might as well gas


FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

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On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snowploughs can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches

of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14

inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset,

and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to
do. Which side of the street do I need

to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."




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A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
"What′s going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side–lines.
The other replies "It′s a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus."
"What′s the score?" asks the first man.
"I don't know, it′s a secret."

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A police cycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.


The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"


Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"


Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.


Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"


Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."


Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


Officer: "Aggressive and hostile Sir."


Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"


Officer: "Yes Sir?


Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"


Officer: "Well sir, you know your client better than I do!"


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Husband and wife are shopping in Coles when the man picks up a 12 pack of Victoria bitter and sticks them it into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on sale, only $10 for 12 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says

The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE


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A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he
noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was
heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right
beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'business trip or
vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said 'Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States'.
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your
business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded.. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who
is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.. We
have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish,'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she
said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said.... 'Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me
Paddy.'

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Grandma's Oranges

��
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

��
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

��
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

��
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

��
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

��
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

��
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

��
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

��
The policeman fainted.

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UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she
is In her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted
to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating,
or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his
mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire..
No further studies are expected.


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WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS



This one is priceless.. Wrong email address.
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with
his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and
without realizing his error, sent the email.

meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart
attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send
emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

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The Story of Four Horse

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horse.."

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

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WALKING THE DOG
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco .
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento
along the way. The flight attendant explained that
there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board
in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and
could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye
dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her
throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by
name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost
an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would
like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.. Have a great day and remember..

?


....THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGH IS A
DAY WASTED!!!



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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane
That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to
teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street
Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy till messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

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