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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One bag rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag...'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady.

'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me...'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop.

'How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady.

'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers... Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say,
'$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop.

'OK? Good luck!... Oh, by the way... what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

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A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.


So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry.. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all.

My wife won twice last week.'



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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year.



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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'


The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'


The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger.. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven..'


'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.


'Should I tell her the war is over?''

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Lodge Officers

By Anonymous

Worshipful Master
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, and walks on water.

Senior Warden
Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, and talks with God.

Junior Warden
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks with God with special approval.

Deacons
Barely clear a Quonset hut, looses tug of war with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, passes water, and is occasionally addressed by God.

Treasurer
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap over buildings, is run over by a locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, dog paddles, and talks to animals.

Stewards
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings, says, "Look at the choo-choo," squirts self with water pistol, plays in mud puddles, and mutters to self.

Tiler
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat with a life jacket, talks to walls.

Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks

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Teacher:can anyone tell me which vegetable can you make cry.

Little Johhny: That would be a turnip sir.

Teacher:Surely you mean it would be an onion little johnny,

Little johnny: Have you ever been hit in the nuts with a turnip sir?

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The lady of the house came downstairs sniffing into a handkerchief.

"Whatever is the matter dear?" asks her concerned husband.

"I've been looking in the mirror", she says. "I'm getting old. My hair is going grey, I'm putting on weight, my boobs are sagging, my bum's getting bigger and I'm wrinkling up like an old prune. I really need you to say something nice to me."

"Oh, come on love and have a hug", says her husband. "it's not so bad. Look on the bright side. There's obviously nothing wrong with your eyesight."

And then the fight started.

:w00t:

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Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot and points out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves beneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault unopened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was...

CELEBRATE!

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LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

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Marriage Guidance Counselling (Only for the Very Brave)



A couple had been married for 5 years and their relationship was deteriorating. They were still very fond of each other so decided to seek marriage guidance counselling.



The counsellor talked to them and listened to them both as a couple and individually.



The counsellor then delivered his judgement. "Even after 5 years of marriage you two really don't know very much about each other."



"Tell me," he said to the husband, "What is your wife's favourite flower?"



The husband thought for a moment and scratched his head.



"Self-raising, I think"

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Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,




' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there....


On the couch...

Naked.

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CAJUN PREACHERS ! !

Da End Be Near...........

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church
and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. It read:

“Da End is Near, Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!”

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink
maybe da sign should juss say
.....”Bridge Out”?

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Come on Brethren - where are the new stories?

Litle boy- "Mom, why am I black when you are white?"

Mother- "Don't even go there. From what I remember of that party, it's wonder you don't bark!"

Sorry ;)

Peter Lorton;

L5600. L9169 C5056 C9169 EC

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These three strings are walking along, dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley. After a long, long trek. They come to a bar.

"Boy, this is just in time...I can't go any farther." So he walks into the bar and orders a drink.

"Can't you read the sign there? We don't serve no strings here" bellows the bartender.

"But I'm going to die of thirst" protests the string.

With that the bartender picks him up, and throws him out into the street.

One of his buddies says "I'll disguise myself as a rope and go in to get us a drink." So, in he goes.

"Hey, I thought I told your friend that we don't serve your kind here. Now get out that door before I stomp on you!" So he quickly retreats out the door.

Finally the last string says "Hey, I've got an idea...I'll tie myself up like a pretzel, and frizzle out my ends, so he won't recognize me." So in he goes into the bar. He gets up to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender eyes him a little suspiciously. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I told to get out of here?"

To which the string answered "No, I'm a frayed knot."

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A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts ... they're complimentary."

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Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid.

As she takes his order of a pint of Tetley Bitter, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening, they get chatting.

At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place, although she is attracted to him, she says no.

He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again.

Again he orders Tetley's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200.

She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Tetley's but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire.

'Leeds ' he tells her.

'So am I', what suburb?' She enquires.

'Headingley' he replies.

'That's amazing' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

'Boycott Street ' he replies

'That is unbelievable.......' She says, her voice quivering.

'What number?'

'Number 20' he replies

She is totally astonished . 'You are not going to believe this she screams, but I'm from number 22, my parents still live there.'

'I know..' he says, 'Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you.'

HE WHO DRINKS YORKSHIRE, THINKS YORKSHIRE

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THE OLD MOTOR
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year
old woman was the talk
of the town. After being married a year, the couple
went to the hospital
for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room
to congratulate the old
gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you
do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the
old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the
hospital for the birth
of their second child. The same nurse was attending
the delivery and again went out to congratulate the
old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else.. How do
you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said,
You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for
the birth of their third child
The same nurse was there for this birth
also and, after the
delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman,
smiled, and said, well you are truly something else
How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told
you before, you gotta keep the old motor running
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said
Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.. This ones black.

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In the treasurer's pocket a £1 coin bumps into his old pal a £10 note.



"Long time no see." says the coin, where have you been lately?



"All over the place," replies the £10 note. "I've been at the cinema several times, countless bars, the casino, lots of supermarkets and department stores. And that's just in the last month. How about you?"



"Oh, you know," says the £1 coin. "Lodge, church, lodge, church, lodge...."

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Gents and Ladies,

I am locking this topic for a while so that you can all read this.

I have once again wasted time deleting jokes that appear more than once and those which have been cut n'pasted and make a mess of the pages. In order for this thread to remain open I must ask that from this point on Posters observe the following:

1) Remember this thread is for jokes. It is not a discussion thread it's just for jokes so please just jokes. This does not include any old stuff that you receive in emails, it must be jokes.

2) Check to see if your joke is already here. If you can't be bothered to check don't bother to post it.

3) When cut n' pasting from emails, EDIT your post before you put it here. If you can't be bothered to make it tidy for the Forum don't bother posting it. I will be bothered to delete it when I see it.

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Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:



'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'



His new bride said:

'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'



(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)



************************************************

Marriage (Part II)





Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!



The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'



'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstonethat reads,'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'



(HE ASKED FOR IT!)





*****************************************



Marriage (Part III)





Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.



After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'



She says, 'I was in bed.'



'In bed this early, doing what?'



'Getting a second opinion!'



(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)



*****************************************



Marriage (Part IV)





A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.



One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'



His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four'



(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

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Two gay men are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and, after a while, they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to hospital. A few days later his friend visits him in hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'

'Am I hurt?' he shouts. 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written.....'

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