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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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A young mason is walking along the street one day when he passes a pet shop, he notices in the window 3 parrots, one clothed in an EA apron, another wearing an FC apron & the 3rd wearing an MM apron.

The young man being a curious fellow walks in the shop & speaks with the owner.

How much for the EA parrot he asks..

That's £500 replies the owner, why so much asks the mason, well because this is no ordinary parrot the owner say's it is capable of reciting the entire first degree, the working tools & the tracing board.

Wow the mason replies, so how much then for the FC parrot, ah well that's £1000 answers the owner.

A £1000 replies the shocked mason, well yes this parrot can recite the entire first degree, the working tools & the tracing board, the second degree, working tools & the tracing board plus the first & second degree charges.

Well how much then for the MM parrot, £1500 for that one replies the owner, but that one can do all 3 degrees, all working tools, tracing boards, charges, you name it, he know's it.

That;s incredible says the mason, he then notices in the corner of the shop an older parrot clothed in provincial blue...

Ah the shop keeper says noticing the masons gaze, that parrot is £10.

The mason can't believe it, why so little he says.

The owner replies........well all it does is sit in the corner tutting & shaking it's head.

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Affordable Health Care



A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.



As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance, He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."



The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "do you have a relative who could help you?" He said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."



The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replies, "That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


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Salesman goes for a new job, and is asked if he some experience, a little he says. The manager says he will give him a try out and see how it goes.

At the end of the day the manager visits the new employee and asks how many sales he has had. Just the one he says.

One.... our salesman usually make 30 or 40 a day. How much was the sale for, £277,423.

How much!! What did you sell him.

A fishing hook, Then he needed a rod to go with it, so i sold him that, then i find out he needed a boat as he only fished offshore. So i took him to the boat department and got him a new boat, but the boat was bigger than his last one and his car wouldn't have been able to pull this one, so we went to auto sales and got him a new pick-up.

Your telling me that a guy came in to buy a fishing hook and you manage to sell him a new rod, a new boat, and a new pick-up truck.

No don't be daft he came in looking for a box of tampax for his girlfriend and i said well seeing as your weekend is screwed up at home you might as well go fishing.

Employee of the month.

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One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees..

"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly
had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the panther.

So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the
panther with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The
squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
panther!"

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It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Michigan asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.



Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.



But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.



So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.



A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.





Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.



The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'






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Just for those who might over indulge during the festive season:-

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Phenomenal


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
5. Phenomenon


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot
or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

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The Frog and Golf



A man goes out golfing.



He is on the second hole when

He notices a frog sitting next to

The green.



He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."



The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.



Boom!



He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.



You must be a lucky frog, heh?"



The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."



The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.



"What do you think frog?" the man asks.



"Ribbit 3 wood."



The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!



Hole in one.



The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.



By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"



The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."



"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"



The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."



Upon approaching the roulette table,



The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"



The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.



Boom!



Tons of cash comes sliding back across

The table.



The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.



He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."



The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."



He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.



With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.



"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."




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We are all accustomed nowadays to organ transplants - kidneys, heart, lungs etc.



I heard that the Johns Hopkins Hospital and Medical School ion Baltimore has been doing brain transplants. At a news conference, someone asked what the price was for a brain. The doctor said that male brains are $5000, female brains are $1000,



When asked why the disparity in prices he said that they were forced to discount the price of the female brains - they had been used.

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Little girl says to her mum - "Mummy, you're getting rather fat!"



Mum replies "Yes darling, but you know there's a baby growing in my tummy!"



Daughter replies "So what's growing in your arse?"

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DUI - MICHIGAN STYLE



(Only a person in da U.P. OF MICHIGAN could think of this)



From a region (da U.P.) where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story .



Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Engadine, Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.



The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.



He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the

bar and drove off.



Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked fine,

dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.



He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then

remained still for a few more minutes

as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.





At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.



The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started

up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.



To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'





'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Yooper.



'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

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A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.



'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'



The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.



The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'



The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'



Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,

'Yes, he sure did!'



The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !"

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Can I please add another reminder - if cutting and pasting jokes from other sources such as e-mails, please re-format them yourself - it will take we moderators much less time to delete them than edit them for you, so that may be the route we have to take!

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Dark thoughts..
One day an English mason, a Scottish mason, and an Irish mason were in the bar after the meeting.
They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled
"SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!"

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Chap on a nudist beach sees an old man who has fallen asleep while reading and bits of him are starting to look a bit sunburt.



Not wishing to waken the gentleman he simply places the novel over the affected area but this upset the old man terribly.



Turns out he was the local magistrate and everyone knows you should never Cover a Judge by his Book.

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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard , the 11 year

Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to

Come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID

Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error

Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it

Out.'



So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh*t.

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I've just been asked to donate my old clothes to some charity who look after starving people.

Anyone wanting my castoffs can't be that hungry. It's got to be a con

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David Beckham gets home early to find Posh naked, sweaty and flustered.

"Quick Dave, i'm having a heart attack!" She cries!

As Becks picks up the phone, Brooklyn runs in crying.

"Daddy, Daddy, John Terry is in the wardrobe naked!"

Becks throws open the wardrobe door and sure enough there is JT naked as the day he was born.



Becks screams "are you some kind of d**k, Vicky's having a heart attack and all you can do is run around naked scaring the kids!"

:w00t:

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Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Doreen agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

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At a Gynecologist's Office- "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



In a Podiatrist's Office- "Time wounds all heels."



On a Septic Tank Truck- "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."



At a Proctologist's Office- "To Expidite your visit, please back in."



On a Plumber's Truck- "We Repair What Your Husband Fixed."



On Another Plumber's Truck- "Don't Sleep with a Drip. Call your Plumber."



On a Church's Billboard- "Seven Days without God makes one weak."



At a Tire Shop- "Invite Us to Your Next Blow-out."



At a Towiing Company- "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."



On an Electrician's Truck- "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."



In a Non-Smoking Area-"If we see smoke,we will assume you're on fire & take appropriate action."



On a Maternity Room Door- "Push. Push. Push."



On a Fence- "Salesmen welcome! Dog Food is expensive!"



At a Car Dealership- "The best way to get back on your feet - Miss a car payment!"



Outside a Muffler Shop- "No Appointment Necessary. We hear you coming."



In the Front Yard of the Funeral Home- "Drive carefully. We'll wait.



At a Propane Filling Station- "Thank Heavens for little Grills."



At a Radiator Shop- Best Place in town to take a leak!"



On the Back of Another Septic Tank Truck- "Caution!- This Truck if FULL of Political Promises."








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Bible Study Humor‏



LOT 'S WIFE



The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'





GOOD SAMARITAN



A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'





DID NOAH FISH?



A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'





HIGHER POWER



A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ' Aces!'





MOSES AND THE RED SEA



Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'



'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his Mother asked.



'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'





THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!







UNANSWERED PRAYER



The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.



'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'



'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.





UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER



During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'



Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'





SAY A PRAYER



Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.



'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.



'I don't need to,' the boy replied.



'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted.. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'



'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'


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SIPPING VODKA


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak..

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shite out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10) We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'

12) The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


Here endeth the lesson………………………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Continuing on a Catholic Theme





An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.



She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:

"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down

'Why'?

The worker yelled back,

"Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

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