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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

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The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-a** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

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Therapy



Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole... The ball hit one of the men.



He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.



The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately apologised. 'Please allow me to help! I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll let me,' she told him.



'Oh, no, I'll be all right! I'll be fine in a few minutes!' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands into his groin.



At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.



She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?



'It feels great,' he said. 'But I still think my thumb's broken.'

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.



The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.



'Breast-fed,' she replied...



'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.



She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.



Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'



'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

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As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.



The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.



I looked up from my work and sheepishly said… ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'



She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard… 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was… ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

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Saw this in today's paper:

The boss of Ryanair goes into a bar in Dublin and orders a pint of Guinness.

"That'll be one Euro," says the barman.

"That's a very reasonable price."

The barman leans forward: "And will ye be wanting a glass as well, Mr O'Leary?"

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Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.



Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven,Sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.



One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic,



You do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.



"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."



Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.



What did they say when you came in late there?



They said, "Good morning General, can I get you coffee, sir?''

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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.



'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.




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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'



Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,



which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.







Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tony, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."







You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tony must have experienced.







"Tony was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tony's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.







Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tony.







"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tony is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.















A man stood up and hobbled slowly to the podium.



He said, "I'm Tony Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.







"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum






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A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn"t catch up with it.



A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man’s head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.



The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.



"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man. "I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field."



After saving the rabbi"s hat, having received the rabbi"s blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat.



An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths.



"You must have made a fortune," said the father.



"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son.



"In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1" Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi"s blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."



"What happened?" asked the excited father.



"Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!"



"Are you telling me you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father.



"No," said the son.



"I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last."



"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said the father.



"You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"



The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named Yamaka."












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"A high school was having trouble with girls who put on heavy lipstick and kissed the mirror to blot it. They couldn't seem to stop it so one day the janitor hit upon an idea that worked, He caught a bunch of girls 'kissing the mirror' and he walked in with a squeegee and dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror. No more hot lips on the mirror."

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I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.



I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."



The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.



I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"



The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big breasts, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"



I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."



Most old guys like me are helpful like that.

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A general and his young lieutenant were traveling from their base to another base in a different state and were forced to travel with civilians on a passenger train. They found their booth, where two other people were already seated – an attractive young woman and her grandmother. For most of the trip, they conversed freely. The train entered a rather long and dark tunnel. Once inside the tunnel, the passengers in that particular car heard two distinctive sounds – the smooch of a kiss and the loud sound of a slap.



As they exited the tunnel, the attractive woman thought to herself how glad she was that the young lieutenant got up the courage to kiss her, but was somewhat disappointed at her grandmother for slapping him for doing it. The general thought to himself how proud he was of his young lieutenant for being enterprising enough to find the opportunity to kiss an attractive young woman, but was flabbergasted that she slapped him instead of the lieutenant. The grandmother was flabbergasted to think the young lieutenant would have the gall to kiss her granddaughter, but was proud of her granddaughter for slapping him for doing it. And the young lieutenant held back his laughter, for he had found the perfect opportunity to kiss an attractive young girl and slap a superior officer all at the same time!







Remember to take every opportunity life hands you!

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I was in the supermarket the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.

I said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young man says, "That's OK, it’s a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's just look for yours." .....

Most old blokes are helpful like that, specially Masons!

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OK it's World Cup Football time again.

Time for some Jokes.

How do hens encourage their football teams ?
They egg them on !

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches ?
They prefer cricket matches !
Why did the chicken get sent off ?
For persistent fowl play !
Why didn't the dog want to play football ?
It was a boxer !
Which insect didn't play well in goal ?
The fumble bee !
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final ?
Webley stadium !
When fish play football, who is the captain ?
The team's kipper !
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market ?
They tend to go cheep !
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ?
They might be cheetahs !

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Vintagemalt (12/06/2010)
I was in the supermarket the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young bloke pushing his trolley.



I said to the young man, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."



The young man says, "That's OK, it’s a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.



I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"



The young man says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"



I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's just look for yours." .....



Most old blokes are helpful like that, specially Masons!




If i may correct you, and I should have stated when I first put online Lowes it's more of a "Man's" store. It's a warehouse open to the public of tools and builder supplies, landscaping, electrical, plumbing, etc.

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