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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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Or, Home Depot................... :w00t:

=================================

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found, ' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.



With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf
club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room
stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at
the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the Pirate. "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the Pirate, "We were in a sea battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied,"Well OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The Pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine really."

"What about the eye-patch?" enquired the bartender.

"Oh," said the Pirate,"One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You are kidding," said the barkeeper. "After all those battles, you couldn't lose an eye from a little bit of bird poop."

"Ah," said the Pirate. "It was my first day with the hook."




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Have you ever noticed how it's only ever 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed these days?

"He/She was the perfect son/daughter."

"They were such a perfect couple."

"The perfect family killed in tragic accident."

Doesn't it make you glad you're a ****?

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Kids Are Quick

___________________________________



TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.



(I Love this kid)

____________________________________________



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...

______________________________________



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________



TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________



TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher




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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"



"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.



"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.



He never heard the gunshot.

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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional, "But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

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Hope this ones allowed, not to sure how strict the censorship is here, but it is extremely funny.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

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TRUE STORY





Debutante Ball



A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.



The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:



"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal mess dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: no Jews please."



At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in mess dress, four handsome, smiling black naval officers.



Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."



"No, Maam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear
first, then you swear after me, OK?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh*t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "F*ck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

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THANK GOODNESS FOR ITALIANS ...............



A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior

culture.



Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."



The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."



The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics"



The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."



And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end

the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"



The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced

it to women."

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Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

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**RRRIIINNNNG, RRRIIINNNNG**

**Hello?**

**Hi honey. This is Daddy**

**Is Mummy near the phone?**

**No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Bert**

After a brief pause

**But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Bert**

**Oh yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now**

Another pause

**Uh, OK then. This is what I want you to do**

**Put the phone down, run upstairs**

**Knock on the bedroom door**

**And shout to Mummy that Daddy's car has just pulled onto the drive**

**OK, Daddy, just a minute**

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone

**I did it Daddy**

**And what happened honey?**

**Well, Mummy got all scared. She jumped out of bed with no clothes on**

**And ran about screaming**

**Then she tripped over the rug, and hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all**

**Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Bert?**

**He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool**

**But I guess he didn't know you drained all the water out last week**

**To clean it**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead**

Long pause

Longer pause

Even longer pause

Then Daddy says

**Swimming pool?........**

**Is this 217 - 404?**

Another pause

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......**

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All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

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The Haircut

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked... "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "A couple of hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked... "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "I'm pretty busy about 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked..."How long before I can get a haircut?"



The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half today."



The guy left.



The barber turned to his assistant and said.. "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy who just put his head around the door and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."



A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go?"



Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said..........."Your House! ".

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Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase, "You Gotta Be Sh_ttin Me?"



Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.



Corporal Peters , through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters , but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.



Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.



Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.' Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'



Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'



And the Madam said, 'You gotta be sh_ttin me.'

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The Haircut



One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.



Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.



Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.



And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.



BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

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Seeing that Halloween will be upon us soon, please allow me to present you with this groaner:







Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.



Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.



Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"



"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.



An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."



With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.



After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.



The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.



Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!



Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.



He bursts in and shouts to his master:



.



.



.



.



.



"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

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A police officer who stops a man walking erratically down the street in the wee small hours asks where he thinks he's going. The fellow replies...

"Officer , I'm on my way to a lecture on Free... hic... Freemasonry, offisher."

The Police Officer asks,

"But it's 3am, who's going to give you a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of the morning?"

Our Hero replies

"My Wife when I get home"!

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