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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.


When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.


Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

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"Morning Sex"



She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.



As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"



My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"



Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.



Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.



Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"



She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.



Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.



The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee



He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.



At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.



The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.



The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .



'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'



'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.



Two days before the group is to leave, Bill's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.



Bill's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?



Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Bill sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.



"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"



Well, I've been here since this morning. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair, and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?"



I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.



On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.



And then she said, "Do whatever you want."





So, Here I am.




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You Have to Love A Good Nurse



A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an

inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised

him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling

something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that

it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him

about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown

up enough so he could look at what was making him so

uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private

parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that

doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in

large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon . from the

nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'



Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

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1. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."



Caddy: "Think yo can keep your head down that long?"







2. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."



Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."







3. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"



Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."







4. Golfer: "Do you think can get there with a 5 iron?"



Caddy: "Eventualy."







5. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world"



Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."







6. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."



Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."







7. Golfer: "How do you like my game?"



Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."







8. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"



Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."







9. Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."



Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."







10. Best Caddy Comment



Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."



Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness."


Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."


The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

"We're having granite worktops."

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father visited a large city for the first time and were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.



The boy asked, "What is this thing father?" The father (Never having seen an elevator before) replied,"Son, I have never seen anything like it in my life. I have no idea what it is.

While the boy and his father continued to watch in amazement, a fat, old 'bag-lady' type woman lumbered up to the shiny silver doors and pressed a button. The walls moved apart revealing a small room. The woman stepped inside and the walls closed again. Mesmerized, the father and son watched numbers above the walls light up sequentially until it reached the last number. After a pause the numbers lit up in descending order.

The walls moved apart again and a stunning blonde in her early twenties walked out.

Never taking his eyes off this vision of lovlieness, the father said quietly to his son.

"Go fetch your mother."


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A young engineer who graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."



Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

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This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.

They think so logically.





A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.



She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather

the building materials for his home.



She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow

full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that

straw to build my house?'



The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think

the man said?'



One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...



'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'



The teacher had to leave the room.

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A new sign in the Bank lobby reads:







"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.







Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.







After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."







************ ********* **********



MALE PROCEDURE:



1. Drive up to the cash machine.



2. Put down your car window.



3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.



4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.



5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.



6. Put window up.



7. Drive off.







FEMALE PROCEDURE:



What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!







1. Drive up to cash machine.



2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.



3. Set parking brake, put the window down.



4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.



5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.



6. Attempt to insert card into machine.



7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.



8.. Insert card.



9. Re-insert card the right way.



10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.



11. Enter PIN.



12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.



13. Enter amount of cash required.



14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.



15. Retrieve cash and receipt.



16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.



17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.



18. Re-check makeup.



19. Drive forward 2 feet.



20. Reverse back to cash machine.



21. Retrieve card.



22. Re-empty handbag, locate card-holder, and place card into the slot provided!



23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.



24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.



25. Redial person on cell phone.



26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.



27. Release Parking Brake.

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An oldie but my favourite mason joke - apologies if already posted.





A mason is staggering down the road in the early hours of the morning and gets stopped by a police officer.



"Where are you going at this time in the morning", enquires the officer



"To a masonic lecture", slurs the mason.



"A masonic lecture at 3:00 in the morning !" , replies the incredulous officer, "Who on earth gives masonic lectures at this unsocial hour ?"



"My wife" replies the crest-fallen mason.

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English Lesson





No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is :



When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".



And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!



And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!

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A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his
body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.


On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to
see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.


Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.


.....Dead silence... He had no
trouble with discipline that year.

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FIVE LADS' RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE:-

1. It is important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time and helps clear up.

2. It is important to have a woman who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to have a woman that you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It is very, VERY important that these four women do not know each other and that they never meet.

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Our Father, who art in prison,

Mum don't know his name ...

Thy riots come, read it in 'The Sun',

In Birmingham as it is in London.

Give us this day our Giro cheque,

And forgive us our looting.

As we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us

Lead us not into employment But Deliver us free housing,

For thine is the Reebok, The Burberry & Bacardi.

Forever and ever ..

Innit

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Subject: THE DEAF BOOKKEEPER

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him
out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he
got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear
nothing that he might have to testify about in court.





When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is
that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says,
"Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you're an ugly bastard and ain't got the
balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

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My wife asked me," How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied,"Only you darling. With all the others I was awake."

Hospital visiting Hours are 2pm to 4pm and 7pm t0 9pm.




Attached files TB.jpg (29.6 KB) 

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