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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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Subject: Rejection Letter

Dear Sir

On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for the application you have provided for your wife to appear on our forthcoming 'Reality Show' and also for the charming photograph you enclosed with the application letter.

Whilst agreeing that she would no doubt make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would take this opportunity to advise you that the correct title of the new series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards

Channel 4

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An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


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Wayne Rooney...........eeeerrrrrrrrr boss, would I be better on the left, or the right, or in the middle.......Hodgson.........for heavens sake just get on the damn plane, and sit anywhere !!

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Congratulations to Athlete Jessica Ennis-Hill on the birth of her first son who she has named Reggie. She has said she would like two more children who will be named "Steady" and "Go".

T.

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign: Two Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00

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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining

to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of

characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically

comes up with a suggestion.


"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day
take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. I asked, "How long will this take?"

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped, Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my

breasts every day, will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat, he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"


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Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."

"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.

"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.

"Well," said the ranger...

"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"

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One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked spread eagle on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a yard sale..."

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Sister Mary Ann was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a Texaco Station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.


She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to one of her patients.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

" If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

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2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Liverpool to Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.


They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist.
The waiting room was filled with patients..

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist
was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

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Hot and Cold Sex

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'


'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined the man’s wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'

"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a Jewish rabbi became friends. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

“Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I TOOK HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled DOWN one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!”

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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A little Oirish Mason told me a story tonight.

In a small town in Ireland, every tradesman and business man was on the Square, save the butcher and the grocer. So they both decided to join. As it happened, they were to be Initiated the same night, but the butcher was on first.

Well, the ceremony went well, he went through the whole works while his friend the grocer waited outside for his turn.

After being bestowed with his apron, the butcher (a bit like Cpl Jones) tried to ingratiate himself with the Master, and produced some meat as a gift. He laid a heart, a kidney and a liver on a tray and declared "A present for you WM."

Naturally the WM refused the gift, said such things were not done, gave orders for the tray to be taken out of the Temple, and it was passed through the door to the Tyler.

The grocer was never seen again.

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Common language for all Citizens in the European Union

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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A Tramp's Own Ritual


Q. Who comes here?
A. A poor, worthless candidate for charity, who begs to have and receive a part of the free lunch of this town set apart for regular customers, as many thousand tramps have done before me.

Q. How do you expect to gain the rights and privileges?
A. By being a man too lazy to work, not ashamed to beg, and under the tongue of generally bad report.

Q. Where can this report be had of you?
A. In the police reports and inebriate asylums.

Q. From whence came you?
A. From a town in Texas called Booze.

Q. Then you are a regular tramp I perceive?
A. I am so taken and arrested wherever I go.

Q. How do you know you are a regular tramp?
A. By being often arrested and tried and never acquitted, and expect to be arrested and tried and convicted again.

Q. Where were you first prepared to be a tramp?
A. In a small bar room adjoining my place of abode.

Q. How were you prepared?
A. By being kicked and cuffed around until divested of nearly all my clothes, having been previously deprived of all my money and diamonds.

Q. What first induced you to become a tramp?
A. That I might travel all over the land and indulge my ravenous appetite for beer - and sponge my living from an easily humbugged public.

Q. How am I to know you to be a tramp?
A. By the size and laziness of my feet, by the size and color of my nose, and by signs, grips and words.

Q. What are words?
A. Certain plausible tales that will best serve to induce the lady of the house to give up her cakes and pies.

Q. What are signs?
A. Dirty face and hands, torn and dirty clothes, with a bad limp in either leg.

Q. What is a grip?
A. A tight hold on anything portable that can be turned into ready cash.

Q. Will you give me the grip?
A. No; get one on some other fellow.

Q. How did you first gain admission to this town?
A. By a good long tramp at "low twelve" the time when all policemen are called from labor to refreshments.

Q. How were you received?
A. By a cop, just on the point of taking a Manhattan eye-opener.

Q. What did he do with you?
A. He put me in the cooler in due form.

Q. What was next done with you?
A. He conducted me around from East to West, to the court house, and told me to stand erect and face the judge.

Q. What did the judge say to you?
A. He told me to say my name and promise to obey the law, after which he ordered me to take a step to the left and follow the cop to the place from whence I came.

Q. What was then said to you?
A. I was asked whether I would be off or from.

Q. From what unto what?
A. From this town to the next quite quickly.

PASS

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5 FACTS


A wise person once said:



1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.



2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.



3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.



4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.



AND ………



5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS ..
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr. Gorsky TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED,SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR. GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM window. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke theplace up. NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,

"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business."

I'm going to the Annual Nympho-maniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded.

"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said.

"And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, " One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name".

"Tonto", the man said,

"Tonto Goldstein", but my friends call me 'Bubba'.

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A group of 40 years old Masons discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Junction Inn because the waitresses there have low cut blouses.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and discusses where they should eat. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Junction Inn because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Junction Inn because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again to discuss where they should eat. Finally they agree that they should meet at the Junction Inn because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets and again discusses where they should eat. Finally they agree to meet at the Junction Inn because they have never been there before.

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How do these people survive?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed..
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

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A place to post examples of stupidity in the English Language!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Lawyer: And Mr... Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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