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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.
L

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'


You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque....


If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

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Mick was attending his 4wd clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus.
When Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.

" How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?""
I didn't have to
," was Mick's reply.
" When I left the meeting last week I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. When the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said , ' Surprise ' .

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said
, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .'


SO HERE I AM

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A woman walks into the Kwinana Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch


'I call them by their surnames!'

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George:

We won't miss you. Your words of wisdom brought tears to our eyes .


'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.' - George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.' - George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.' -George W. Bush


'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.' - George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.' - George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.' - George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.' - George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe ' - George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.' - George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.' - George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.' &nb sp;-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.' - George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.' -George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.' -George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'

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EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidenceof all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do. AMEN !!

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So, here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & sl umped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...


(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

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Teachers and police officers do have their moments!




1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:


16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1) 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

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Three men go golfing with their wives
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20.

Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's
a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.


She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
rooster.'



He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice
cup
of tea,' and then, he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ..

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the
box.'

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How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.



2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.


3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.


4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.


6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.


8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.




9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours Sincerely,


The Dog

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Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.
After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes:
'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea.

He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his old man one time.


If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his old man two hundred and fifty times.... :cool:

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HEADLINE DETROIT: DETROIT FREE PRESS 2-17-09
Detroit, MI

Detroit Police today reported finding a body in the Detroit River.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Detroit Lions jersey. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his butt.

The police thoughtfully removed the Lions jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.
***************************
The American Football team first to lose all it's 29 games in a season. (0-29)

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Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small piece of land near Mount Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region..

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is this with your strange Chinese customs?

I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard chasing hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about sh*t on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says:

'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese man,

'He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink p***, and listen to bull-sh*t.'

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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture
in Victoria when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me
a
calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image
has been processed and the data is stored.. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says,
'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?'

! The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why
not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the Australian Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a mob of
sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.


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probably already been told but...

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

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Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand he embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, rearranged her clothing and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The the thrapist turned to Mark and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but most Fridays, I've got Lodge.

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Heaviest element...

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, but takes from four days to four years to complete...

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. another candid explanation of the facts...

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BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.


What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman


How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch.


Why did God create woman ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.. It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy

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Dam! I'll be. I did it twice? Oh well Senior Moment. It's gone, why wast the space!

Here's a replacement:

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50-feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He enquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"May I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and saw her in the hallway buck
naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the
drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks
him
square in the eyes and says...


'Grandpa;... Go home!
You're drunk.' . . .

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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he
had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is
paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....


Four-sprung
Duck technique

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Not sure if this has been on before, I have seen it once but don't think it was here, apologies if it was here!

One for Bro Mark Adams.

Glesga mortuary

A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy.

She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.

How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!' she says. 'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin.

You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy suit.

I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched their heids.' :w00t:

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This is a joke for mainly the scots but it can be adapted for any sports team world wide:

On a tour of Scotland, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the west coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen notice just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Glasgow Celtic jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Glasgow Rangers tops sped into view one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Celtic fan from the water and using long clubs beat the shark to death They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.

On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said,

"I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Scotland were bigoted and trying to divide the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."She knighted them and drove off.

As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules Britain and knows everything about our country.""Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows f**k all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up? Or do we need to get another one?

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Again this can be adapted for anywhere:

A wee fella from Larkhall appeared on Mastermind, his chosen subject was 'The Masonic Lodge - 1812 to 1990' - He took the chair and Magnus Magnusson started the quiz with the first question - "In which year did the women's section of the masonic lodge evolve ?" The wee fella replied "Pass".

"Next question - By the turn of the twentieth century, how many masonic lodges were established in Scotland ?" The wee fella again replied "Pass" !

"Your third and final question - Who was the founder and eventual grand master of Lodge 264 in Ayrshire ?" - Again the wee fe!la replied "Pass".

"Your time's up ! You've passed on all three questions with a total score of nil", announced Magnus Magnusson just as voice rang out from the audience, "That's the gemme wee man, tell him f*** all !"

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A farmer named Seamus had a road traffic accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said,
'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the f**k would you have said?

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