Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

Recommended Posts

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Involuntary Muscular Contractions



A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates..'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom..........

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the t ask.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself
because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?'

Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church. '

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously
shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you
sell for the church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-t o y-y-you??'


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two Little Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off And streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,

Completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) Through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!



Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Get out of the car!

(Thia is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle,

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun at the top of her lungs. "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, someshat shaken, then procceded to load her shopping bags into the back of gthe car and got into the driver's seat. S was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then realised why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and gtwo 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergent to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filrd.

Moral of the story?

If your going to have a senior moment.......Make it memorable.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My kids went to Catholic school..
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?"


Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" the nun asked


Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands
together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,

"OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dear Mike,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila


************ ********* *********

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Mike

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Perils of being a Mason

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for lodge.
My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds
that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare.
Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow
contaminate them. Recalling my Masonic teachings that always
admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry
and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge
to reach out to this unfortunate person. Wearing what can only be
described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags.
My heart was touched by this person's condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out,
'Reach out, reach out and touch this person.

So I did.......

I won't be at Lodge this week.


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Australian ventriloquist



An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand

walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on

his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun,

so he says to the Kiwi:

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Vent: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Vent: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Vent: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Vent: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Vent: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Vent: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi

........... shouts out:

..................(in a huge panic)

......................... "The sheep's a f****** liar……"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To Maintain a Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing cars.
See If They Slow Down.



2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write 'For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14.
PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c_ck that size."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Br. & Sir Winston

There is a government position in the UK called the "Lord Privy Seal," and
during WW II, Winston Churchill didn’t much like the fellow who filled that
office, and one suspects the feeling was mutual.
One morning Churchill’s secretary knocked on the bathroom door and said,
"Sir Winston, the Privy Seal is on the telephone."
Sir Winston replied . . . "Please tell the Privy Seal that I am sealed to
the privy, and I can only deal with one shit at a time!"

***

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gents and Ladies,

I am locking this topic for a while so that you can all read this.

If you want to cut and paste jokes, you must edit them before posting so that they don't balls up the page. Before posting check the state they make of the page by "previewing".

I've just wasted a fair amount of time trying to edit cut n' past html text and to be honest I'll just delete them in future as I don't want to have to spend all my time editing messy pages so others can read them, I want to join in the discussions.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The alternative Medical Dictionary :


Artery......................... The study of paintings

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section.............. A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her

Colic.......................... A sheep dog

Coma........................... A punctuation mark

Dilate......................... To live long

Enema.......................... Not a friend

Fester......................... Quicker than someone else

Fibula......................... A small lie

Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain..................... Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane

Morbid......................... A higher offer

Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates

Node........................... I knew it

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted

Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative................. A letter carrier

Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery

Rectum......................... Nearly killed him

Secretion...................... Hiding something

Seizure........................ Roman emperor

Tablet......................... A small table

Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport

Tumour......................... One plus one more

Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry I missed that one on page 17 or I wouldn't have repeated it:hehe: so try this one on for size:

A lady brings a child to the doctor & exclaims no matter what we try he just cannot gain any weight.

the doctor asks is the child bottle or breast fed & she tells him breast fed. The Doctor then asks her to expose her breasts.

After a very thorough examination of her breasts the Doctor exclaims no wonder the child isn't gaining weight you have no milk in your breasts.

The lady then replies I know I don't have any milk in my breasts I am his Grandmother !!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Best PMT Question Ever

Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?



Woman's Answer:


One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb!
They
don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they
figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them,
2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to
change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME
f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER
PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The Original Computer!!

... and, almost certainly, the most reliable -- no hangups,
no freezez, no horrible messages, no tantrums ...




Memory was something you lost with age;
An application was for employment;
A program was a TV show;
A cursor was a person who used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy ...
you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 PEOPLE .... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope,
under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman,
she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices
with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping . . .. . . . .




Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...