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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell
their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'
The teacher is mortified and scolds
Johnny for his rude answer.



Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.
She remembers Johnny's rude answer and decides to give him a very
difficult question.
'Where is the Pakistani border?'
'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got
fuck all for breakfast'.

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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

O
ne leans over to the other and says, 'I've never come this way before.'

The other nun whispers, 'It's the cobblestones'

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Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented
a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down,
and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when
cold weather sets in.




At a news conference, after announcing the invention,
a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and
kicked the shit out of him.

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As it should be

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared
and said, 'I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were
true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were
dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St.Peter.

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long,
and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was
only one man.
God said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the
head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled
your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.

With that, God turned to the one man and asked, 'How did you manage to be
the only one in this line?'

And, the man replied, 'My wife told me to stand here.'


The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a
subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician,
'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied .

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.


'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!
she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit
.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'






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Terry, A few repeats there matey!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied.
'Well, son, you must have gotten
it from your mother
be
cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court

Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and

then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took

the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

'But she's a great cook and
is
really good with the kids.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that

were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take

to fly from? San Francisco? to? New York City? ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Go
m
ez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun!
What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks

him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of

bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had

even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

........................................................................


The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive

A
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'

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A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman were drinking together in
McSorley's Bar in New York City and having a great St. Patrick's Day.

'Y'know', said the Scotsman', I still prefer the pubs back home. In
Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes
out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will
buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well', said the Englishman', At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'

'Ahhhrr, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs to see that you get laid. All on the
House'.

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but
he swears every word is true.

'Wow!', said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not meself, personally, no', said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me
Sister.'


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Hoochie's Bad Day

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA
(You just can't make this stuff up!!)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized
recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left
his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with
a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.) A
spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high
grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later,
Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three
years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as
Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there
too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was
this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie.
Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!


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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' he says 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are.'

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75. He pushes his luck. 'I want the house' he says insistently.


Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.

85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'


The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'


Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,
the wife turns to him and smiles.

'The airbag.'

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Husband says: When I get mad at you, You never fight back. How do you
control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....



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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the
Coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and
asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:
'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?'
The woman replies, 'Its Keith. The midget.'

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New Standard Operating Procedures released today. Please learn.


BBQ RULES

Here in the UK we are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


Routine...

(1)
The woman buys the food.
(2)
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables
and makes dessert.
(3)
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4)
The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5)
THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.


More routine...

(6)
The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7)
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.


Important again:

(8)
THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.


More routine...

(9)
The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
(10)
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:

(11)
Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12)
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...


Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.


Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.

I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'

.......'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.


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Camel S-x

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert .

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women.
And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane s-x with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."


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Undercover Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a
woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are
all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

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The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, while visibly shuddering.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman,
'I couldn't help but notice' he said, 'that when you sneeze you shudder violently. Are you ok?'


'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, ' Pepper.'

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The last time I was in Belfast was during the troubles and while catching up on a spot of lunch, a waiter noticed two wires sticking out of a sandwich.

Well the place was cleared as the resturant manager telephoned the police to explain what he had found.

"Is the sandwich ticking" asked the Police operator.

"No Sir" said the manager, "I tink its beef".

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Subject: Cruise Diary of a Single Lady

DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.

I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited.

______________________________


DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and
we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful
vacation this has started to be.

I met Captain Kenny today and he seems like a very nice
man.
_______________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some
shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck.

The Captain invited me to join him at his table for
dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time.

He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
__________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino .... did OK .... won about
$80.

The Captain invited me to have the dinner with him in
his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with
caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told
him there was no way I could, I hardly knew him.
____________________

DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend
the rest of the day inside.

The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks.
He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me
to visit him for the night and again I declined. He
told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me
he would sink the ship.

I was appalled...
_______________

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today.

Twice


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Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of
Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs
around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse........

next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?



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A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit
yourself when I tell you the price.'

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Paddy


Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy - 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and his ears and I tink both his legs are broken'

Operator - 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy - 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'

Operator - 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.

After a minute:-
Operator - 'Are you there sir?'

Silence.

A minute later:-
Operator - 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'

This goes on for another few minutes until:-
Operator - 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'

Paddy - 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.

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Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it..
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.


The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Australia '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was
forever fertile for farming.


Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians
can come into our precious land.'


POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'


The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'



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