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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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Little Johnny wasn't doing very well at maths so his dad checked around the other schools in the area and found that the local catholic school had the best maths results for the area so he enrolled Johnny for the next term.

At the end of the first term he checked Johnnies report card and he got 100% for maths. Dad was overjoyed and asked Johnny what the difference in the teaching standards were to produce such a change in just one term.

Johnny said "That's not it, dad, the first day I arrived I saw this bloke nailed up to a bloody big plus sign and I wasn't gonna let them do that to me.


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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it and on, and on, and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'


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For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....

'Circumcised' (this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school. :D:D:D:cool:

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Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider
These . . ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit,
patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am,
regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some
even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could
solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the
incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the
doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden
crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits..
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could
use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal
after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill inAlaska was $80,000.00. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in
full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the
kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of
wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt
him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken
fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay
enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender'
stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to
bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?


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WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?


To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that
in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March......."


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A man walks into a chemists, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The chemist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good
thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom,
and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the
interest of
the chemist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his assistant, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to
follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom,
starts cracking up, then leaves. The chemist tells his assistant to go
follow the guy.

About an hour later, the assistant comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the chemist.

"Your house." replies the assistant.


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Lipstick in School
>
>
>
> According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney's Eastern
> Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem.
>
> A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on
> in the bathroom.
>
> That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
> their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
>
> Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
> girls would put them back.
>
> Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
>
> She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
> maintenance man.
>
> She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
> the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
> imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
>
> To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
> the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
>
> He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and
> cleaned the mirror with it.
>
> The silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited
> and apparently someone fainted.
>
> Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>
>
> There are teachers . . . and then there are educators.
>
>


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Why we love children! -or- Their minds work in a different way.

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom,that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

while taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right ,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)


10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

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A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

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A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male ! or female horse.
'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up th e midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earth. Can I see her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nith mouf. Can I see her twot?'

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's f***y, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up sputtering and coughing.

'Perhaps I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit?'

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Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able accurately to express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

3.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole

4.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

5.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

6.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

7.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

8.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

9.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

10.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

11.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

12.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

13.
Try Saying:
I don't think it was supposed to turn out like that
Instead Of:
I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then

14
Try Saying:
Sorry - I didn't quite catch that
Instead Of:
What the f**k are you wittering on about this time ?

15
Try Saying
Do you really think so ?
Instead Of:
No sh*t Sherlock

16
Try Saying:
Do you think that's appropriate work wear for the office ?
Instead Of
Have you seen the f**king state of that ?

17
Try Saying:
He does have a tendency to procrastinate
Instead Of:
He's so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live

18
Try Saying:
It's so nice to be in a busy office environment
Instead Of:
Why don't you all just shut the f**k up



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Irish
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age,
in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled
to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't
have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother
and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a
big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple
hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as
the vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man
have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that
night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one
right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When It was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boastful voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin'
towel!'


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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $5.

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

' OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want
to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

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To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Sylvia Park, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick-up fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.


I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.





Your loving wife.

XX





P.S.
Your girlfriend phoned.

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Dealing with a negative outlook

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

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A lovely Australian poem

It has something for everyone - If you know the bush, it will appeal
to you, if you work in the oil industry, there is something in it for you
too, if you have a sense of humour - well, it might test it a little and if
you are not an Australian, then it won't help your knowledge of Australian
life one bit.......................

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his
feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled
out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without
trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came
about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling
breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his
death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for
oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make
some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about
three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went,
post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I
thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught
short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that
night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't
know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did
his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!


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A funeral procession

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery
.


A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first.


Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a
leash.


Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man
couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog. 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this
with so many of you walking in single file.


Whose funeral is it?'


The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife'


'What happened to her?'


The man replied ' My dog attacked and killed her.'


He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'


The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'


A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
men.


'Can I borrow the dog?'


'Join the queue.'

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A damm fine explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please .. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?


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Job interview

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?

He replied, 'yes - caffeine'.

Have you ever been in the military service?

'Yes,' he replied.' I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.

Then he asked, are you disabled in any way?'

The guy said, 'Yes... a roadside bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my

testicles.'

The interviewer said O.K. - You've got enough points for me to hire you

right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start

tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting @ 10:00 A.M. every day.

The guy puzzled asks, 'if the work hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me

here at 10?

'This is a government job,' the interviewer said. 'For the first two hours,

we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in

you coming in for that!'


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Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands
Have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.
'

'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office.
He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

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