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Alan Campbell

THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo

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one for the old guys- heal it

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV.....
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED...

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP..
GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH...

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT.....THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD.

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Funny I thought

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says OK, ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me
feet are freezing..'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
sitting on the bed .

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fukin one?'

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HeHeHe
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a
brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want
your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could
have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . . . . I'm
homesick.

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Ear Hair

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to her
vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell her that if she wanted to keep this from
recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover
and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the chemist to get some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

She replies: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist responds: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for
a couple of days."

She says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm
using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist replies: "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."

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Australian Farmer

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Longreach farm and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.

The old farmer says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card!............. Show him Your card!

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Hi All



There are a lot of posts on here that have been copied & pasted from e-mails, which accounts for the dreadful formatting. However, I've just had to remove several e-mail addresses from one post - please be careful when pasting jokes in here!!!

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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Bank robber is in a bank at the desk and saying to the Teller "fill up the bag with notes"... just then his balaclava becomes itchy and as he adjusts it to scratch himself, he unwittingly shows his features to the people nearby. "Did you see my face"? says the robber. A man nearby says "yes". With that, the robber shoots him dead. "Did YOU see my face"? says the robber to another man. "Yes" says the man (stupidly) and the robber shoots him dead as well. "Did YOU see my face"? says the robber to the third man. "No I didn't" says the third man, "but I think my wife did"!



:D

Tony.

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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can'tunderstand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'


'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one
to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.

You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole.

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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.



An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed
his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the
owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost
every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his
collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

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UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.!
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the ! next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

?The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f**k or drown !

?

Happiness is a voyage, not a destination,
there is no better time to be happy than...
NOW

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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

S
he was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.


As they walked through the ape exhibit,


They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.


Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.


He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.


He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.


The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.


He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.


She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.


"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.


Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.


"Now. Tell him you have a headache."



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Dear Tech Support;

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 2.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going to the Pub 7.5 and Softball 3.6. I cant seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. Im considering going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall doesnt work on Wife 1.0. Please help.

Thanks,

Troubled User


Reply,
Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men often complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the program. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE ! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! Do Not , under any circumstance, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

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Just try reading this without laughing!!!
It's the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects
of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...
??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

OK, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn
t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a second or two) and
thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshat,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-BIATCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner
was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I crapped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe
came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think education is difficult, try being stupid."


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Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

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Little Johnnie Strikes Again
.
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
.
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate,
not fascinating'.
.
Sally raised her hand. She said,
'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
.

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him for his offering.
.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
.
The teacher sat down and cried

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It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.


The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.


The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.


The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.


The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.


The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.


At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.


No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.




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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right
away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a
resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by
three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and
cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel
and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of
the Murray River!!!



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This one is for Roy V

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and
opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The
lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic
becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car
arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down officer," says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by
the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!


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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

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Terry (28/06/2009)
Little Johnnie Strikes Again
.
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
.
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate,
not fascinating'.
.
Sally raised her hand. She said,
'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
.

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him for his offering.
.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
.
The teacher sat down and cried

The teacher then asks the children to use the word "contagious" in a sentence. There were various attempts based around swine flu - "My Grandma has swine flu, it's very contagious"...... until Johnny volunteers......"My Dad went to get some medicine for swine flu - it took the contagious....."

And I apologise for not following my own earlier advice - sack me if you must:w00t:

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On a beautiful summer's day two English tourists were driving through Wales. At
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us, can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr gurrr King'!


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A Nun Grading Papers



Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk
grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and
maintain her composure!


PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE
BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A
CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST THAT KIDS WERE ASKED. THE QUESTIONS
ARE ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT
THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR
CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN
OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL
LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED
BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY
SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET
THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE THE DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

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One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament


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NEW WORLD SURVEY

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the
world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


And Finally...........................
In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian
accent.

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